There are many sides to the phenomenon of unmarried women who have to chose between love or money. For years they have been putting their dating lives on hold to pursue their careers. This is a reflection of big changes in society, of what women now want in life, and of what modern relationships look like. A woman can be just as busy chasing her career as she is with her dating life, but a look at the reasons why career-focused women are still choosing to be single might offer some insight—and might also help some of these women avoid what can sometimes appear to be a paradox.
In the past few decades, a momentous change in our society has directed more women toward their careers. Today, we see that women are indeed more ambitious than ever before. They have usurped several positions once held only by men, and in many instances, they have proven themselves to be just as good, if not better, at performing those tasks. We also know that there are more female breadwinners and that women far outnumber men in obtaining college degrees. But what a life it is.
For numerous women, employment transcends the basic necessity of providing for their households. They derive profound personal gratification and a strong sense of identity from their professional lives. Careers often provoke the sort of passion that their love lives may lack. Contributing meaningfully to society through one’s work can be deeply rewarding and, for many, leads them naturally to prioritize their careers.
Moreover, in today’s workadayers, when the phone at your desk and the one by your bedside never seem to stop ringing, when your workday can extend from dawn to midnight and your weekends hold just as many meetings as your weekdays,There is also a societal demand that women ‘have it all’: a personal life that is satisfying and a career that is successful.
There seems to be an expectation that women should enjoy the same privileges that men do in pursuing and attaining these two life domains. When women feel they are not meeting these ideals on either side, they tend to voice complaints about their dating lives. No longer are women content to be with men who do not work as hard as they do; dating has become even more complicated, with the ambitious woman now trying to carve out time in her schedule to give to the relationship.
Even with the time spent building fulfilling careers, many single women aren’t content with the state of their dating lives. This is a contradiction that might really just be a chance encounter of unfortunate timing for those women, as society hasn’t really done them any favors lately when it comes to dating.
Despite all that it’s been said, career success and busy schedules can make dating prospects even dimmer for women in urban areas—particularly when that’s the narrative driving the very real discontent. Yet ambition and independence should be nothing short of paths of pride for women, and not pathways that lead to a built-up frustration about not being coupled off in a time-oriented manner.
The dating scene often frustrates and baffles women. Some of the most sophisticated among us who are used to making fast, intelligent decisions in the workplace are turning increasingly to self-help books in their quest to understand the age-old mystery of why men and women do— or, rather, don’t— get together. When I set out to dub a term for this dynamic, the best I could come up with was “the FOMO effect.” The fear of missing out is actually two fears: that we are missing an opportunity to couple up and that we are missing out on the much-ballyhooed better half.
Many women work hard to achieve a semblance of ease within the two competing realms of their lives which are love or money. Yet uneven progress on both fronts hampers many of them and keeps their lives in a state of perpetual imbalance. On average, women earn less than men; half of all women with freshly minted college degrees in science and engineering have left those fields while still in their mid-careers; and only about 14 percent of women who are qualified have seats at the table where decisions affecting our lives are made.
You don’t meet Mr. Right and arrange yur whole life around him. You re-arrange your life in order to date enough men to meet Mr. Right. You don’t make time for a man, you make time to find a man.
Generalization alert: Men are not afraid of your credentials, or how much money you make, or your status. We just don’t care.
What do offer in terms of relationships? Are you fun to be around? Are you easygoing and agreeable? Do you have time to date? Are you physically attractive? Do you have passions and interests others can relate to? Are you self-sufficient and non-needy? Can you be vulnerable? Can you let go of drivenness and focus on the here and now, your shared experience?
